In the last month, former President Donald Trump has been involved in a financial tug-of-war that would leave the average person with whiplash.
In late January, a corrupt court found him guilty of defamation for calling an objectively ugly woman “ugly” while defending himself against her rape allegations.
At the time, Trump quipped, “If you’ve seen her, she’s not my type”—and I can’t fault him for that one.
While never found guilty of rape in the New York court system, Trump was still forced to shut up and take it in the defamation trial. Sound familiar?
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When all was said and done, he found himself on the hook for over $83 million for E. Jean Carroll’s shattered reputation.
Delighted by her newfound riches, she quickly went on MSNBC to giggle and laugh about how she planned to spend the cash with full-time Trump-hater and part-time Elvis impersonator Rachel Maddow.
Then, last week, another partisan hack of a New York judge ordered Trump to pay something in the ballpark of $355 million for the great crime of “claiming his properties were more valuable than they truly were decades ago.”
Elon Musk summed it all up nicely in a post:
Given that there were no victims with losses, who is supposed to receive the money?
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 16, 2024
What a way to treat a guy who left a life of privilege and entered into public office to serve the country. It turns out all real estate moguls inflate their property values because that’s the point of sales. On the other hand, all buyers attempt to deflate the value when making an offer. In the end, your property is worth whatever people are willing to pay for it—and the government rarely gets it right.
These are the same people who estimate the value of the sprawling Mar-a-Lago estate at just $18 million. Considering that’s the price of the smallest homes in the beach-front area, that total is probably off by a few hundred million.
Palm Beach real estate agents who specialize in high-end properties scoffed at the idea that the estate would go for that little in the unlikely event Trump ever sold.
“Ludicrous,” said Brown Harris Stevens real estate agent Liza Pulitzer about the judge citing the county’s tax appraisal as a benchmark. “The entire real estate community felt it was a joke when they saw that figure.”
Homes a tenth the size of Mar-a-Lago on tiny inland lots sell for that in the Town of Palm Beach, a wealthy island enclave.
This news would be devastating for most, but Donald Trump seems to have been born with an Uno Reverse card in his back pocket—and this play might reverse his fortunes completely.
In the midst of all this turmoil, Trump learned that his stake in Truth Social may net him a cool $4 billion via a high-profile merger!
Digital World Acquisition Corp. (DWAC) said Thursday that the Securities and Exchange Commission had signed off on its proposed merger with Trump Media and now it will go to a shareholder vote. The merger, which has been in the works since 2021 but stalled due to regulatory roadblocks, has now cleared a major hurdle.
And for the icing on the cake, Trump launched a new line of footwear, and the shoes are selling like hotcakes!
If you want a pair of the signature golden “Never Surrender High-Tops”…too bad. Those limited edition sneakers sold out instantly—and at $399 each, any serious sneakerhead would want a pair in their collection.
In fact, they look like boxing shoes designed for Mr. T—fitting, considering “President T” is in the fight of his life with the radical left.
Millions of sneakerheads and Trump supporters alike have been left hoping that this limited release gets a few more additions to let them seize on the greatness as well.
Only one question remains: will other politicians try to follow in Trump’s golden footsteps? Will Biden develop a Velcro non-slip shoe for wandering around the White House? Will Obama design a shoe that can perform equally on the asphalt streets of Chicago and the sandy beaches of Honolulu? No doubt Bill Clinton is already working on a stain-resistant shoe that features an extra-long tongue.
But while other former presidents scramble with their own merchandising plans, Trump has managed to find a booming new market to offset some of his legal losses.
However, it remains to be seen if he’ll sell enough shoes to counter the schemes of the Deep State that desperately wants to bankrupt him.
Kevan “K-von” Moezzi creates hilarious content for Valuetainment Comedy and is the host of The Right Show. He also tours the nation as a standup comedian. Follow K-von on X (Twitter).
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