Life is indeed a highway, and you’re free to ride it all night long…but if the government has its way, you won’t be free to crack a smile while doing it.
The U.S. Federal Highway Administration has announced that funny, quirky, or otherwise entertaining messages on digital highway signs will be banned by 2026 and replaced with dry, humorless safety instructions.
The administration claims that this is to make road signs easier to understand; I say it’s just further proof that we aren’t allowed to have fun anymore.
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Once a welcomed escape from a boring commute, communities were allowed to come up with their own puns and slogans to encourage better driving habits.
With more than 300 electronic signs above their highways, Arizona’s DOT would even hold contests to find the funniest and most creative messages. In the last year, the state got more than 3,700 submissions, giving motorists gems like “Seatbelts always pass a vibe check.”
Seems like a fairly engaging way to keep road safety top-of-mind.
However, the federal agency, which is part of Pete Buttigieg’s Department of Transportation, clearly disagrees. They think that signs should be “simple, direct, brief, legible, and clear.”
In other words: BORRRRRINGGGG!!!
In the last year, we’ve seen toxic train derailments, doors blowing off of airplanes mid-flight, and roads plagued by potholes big enough to swallow your car. Meanwhile, Transportation Secretary Buttigieg, fresh off his paternity leave, decided to prioritize puns and pop culture references instead.
Related: FAA Diversity Programs Focus on Hiring People with “Severe Intellectual/Psychiatric Disabilities”
Mayor Pete and his unelected band of bureaucrats argue that the signs have become distracting and confusing and take the driver’s eyes off the road.
But I’ll leave it up to you to be the butti-judge:
It started with the “CLICK IT or TICKET” and “DRIVE 55 & STAY ALIVE” slogans in the early 90s and evolved into charming messages like, “TURN SIGNAL – THE ORIGINAL INSTANT MESSAGE” and “Your steering wheel isn’t a hands-free device” in the modern era.
It feels like we were just getting started. Now we’ll never witness what could have been.
But after this announcement, the Valuetainment Comedy team has been hard at work to give you a glimpse at some signs that should have been put out years ago.
Florida:
Alabama: KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE SHIFTER AND OFF OF YOUR SISTER
Texas: EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TX…INCLUDING OUR INMATES. DRIVE SOBER OR GET BENT OVER
Nevada: IT’S NOT WORTH IT…ROAD HEAD MAY LEAVE YA DEAD
Washington:
Oregon: KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD AND YOUR DRIVING NORMAL
Colorado: DON’T BE A BLINKER-PHOBE AS YOU TRANSITION FROM ONE LANE TO ANOTHER
North Dakota: DON’T SLIDE INTO A DITCH AS YOU SLIDE INTO HER DMs
California:
Tennessee: IF YA AIN’T PROPERLY MERGIN’, YOU MIGHT BE A VIRGIN
New York: BLOCK PUBERTY, NOT THE PASSING LANE
Louisiana: SAFE DRIVING IS LIKE SAFE SEX: IT’S NOT AS FUN, BUT IT’LL GET YA THERE
Kevan “K-von” Moezzi creates hilarious content for Valuetainment Comedy and is the host of The Right Show. He also tours the nation as a standup comedian. Follow K-von on X (Twitter).
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